Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
