I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
