Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
