When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
