Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
