He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Randomize
