I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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