I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
