I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
