i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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