i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
