Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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