if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
