she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Michael Bay diarrhea
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
