Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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