Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
