I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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