My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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