Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
