I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
zippers are such a cool invention
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.