She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have already put on my inside pants.