I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."