Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
