So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
