she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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