My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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