She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
