I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
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I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
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Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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