My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
