hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
