is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
