Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
