Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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