I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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