So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
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You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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