I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
