so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
