: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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