So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
