when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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