I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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