you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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