just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My feet surprised me
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