Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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