All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
