In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
