....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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