she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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