No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
