I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
