I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just pee around me
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
