uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
