i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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