A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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