did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
