Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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