We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
