it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
